Hello, Friends! One of the central tenets of my coaching work is to help people come to know their worth. Knowing my own worth has changed my life in immeasurably beautiful and surprising ways. The deep-seated knowledge that I’m worthy of love no matter what people say or do (or what they don't say or don't do) is what allowed me to be fully open with my biological father when we finally met 42 years after my birth. I’m a bit nervous about sharing this personal story, but I’m dedicated to the practice of being vulnerable, so here we go!
When I was 16 years old, my parents told me that I was adopted. It was shocking to me on one level because I look like the family who raised me, but on another level, it wasn’t, because I’d been feeling different since around the age of 10. My adoptive parents had little information about my birth parents. They suspected that my biological father was Native American and white, and a Marine helicopter pilot, but also said it was unlikely that he knew of me.
Several months after I learned about my adoption, I’d started drafting a letter to Oprah. After I introduced myself and professed my love for her, I wrote: “I’m at a period in my life where I am trying to discover who and what I am. Every day when I look in the mirror, I wonder what my parents look like. I am known for my cute dimples and my wonderful [skin] complexion. Granted, I have a true family full of love and understanding, but I would do almost anything to give thanks to whoever gave me life.” CRINGE!!!! Thank GOD it was only a draft!
I never stopped wondering about my birth family. Last summer my curiosity superseded my desire for privacy, and I submitted my DNA through 23andMe. I chose 23andMe over Ancestry because I wanted to have both the health and genetic testing done. When my results came back, I was shocked to learn that I wasn’t Native American. Instead, my test results said that I’m Balkan, Filipino, Spanish, Italian, and broadly Southern European. The closest DNA relative listed was a second cousin.
Out of the blue, ten months later, I submitted my DNA to Ancestry.com. When I got the results, I was in complete DISBELIEF. My eyes couldn’t process what they were seeing- a list detailing relationships of parent/child, close family, and first cousins. WTF!? It took me about 10 minutes to process what I’d read.
I immediately felt compelled to email the man identified as my biological father through the site. I told him who I was - a happy and healthy 42-year-old woman living in Tucson. I shared details about my birth, that I was adopted at 10 days old, and immigrated to the U.S. at two. I said that I understood that this was life-altering information, that I had no intentions of disrupting his life, and that I wasn’t seeking anything from him. Instead, I welcomed the opportunity to get to know one another, if it felt right and good to him.
Friends, when I wrote that letter and pressed ‘enter,’ it didn’t matter to me if he denied my existence and wanted nothing to do with me because I know that I’m COMPLETE without him.
To my surprise, a couple of days later, he responded. He was going to be driving from Southern California through Tucson, on his way to San Antonio. He proposed meeting for lunch. His response was short, to the point and devoid of feeling. Errrr! It felt good to have been acknowledged, but for a moment, I was bummed by his lack of emotion. Then I thought, “This man wants to meet me!” I was more excited than nervous to meet him.
Throughout the week, we exchanged several emails that still felt distant to me, but a couple of hours before we met, he called me. I answered the phone knowing it was him and said, “Hello, Maria speaking.” He responded jovially, "Maria! It’s Costa! I’m your biological father!" It felt like an instant hug over the phone. When we spoke, I felt like I’d known him all my life.
My dear friend had driven down from Phoenix on her 40th birthday to support me and take photos and video of the occasion, and I had gotten her birthday balloons and a gift to celebrate. Right before we left my place to meet my father, I thought, “Crap, I don't have a gift for him. What I'm I supposed to give?!” Then instantly, I knew what to do. I grabbed an unframed picture of my two-year-old self of my first day in the United States. Good enough!
I got out of the car and immediately saw him but he didn't see me. As I approached him, our eyes met. And when my father and I hugged for the first time, he felt like home. We soon discovered how much we’re alike; we even ordered the same thing for lunch! I told him that I needed him to take the lead if he wanted to get to know me; I had no expectations, no attachments. As we said our goodbyes, I gave him the photo. On the back I wrote, “Costa, thank you for giving me life. With love, Maria.” He choked up. I'm happy to say that my amazing Pops has taken the lead, and we've been inseparable since. I recently moved back to Texas after having moved to Tucson just five months prior. He lovingly gave me a key to his home, and I’ll be meeting him in Greece in a few weeks as well!
You know what? Not giving up, pursuing my dreams, and knowing my worth helped me to surrender. I did the work (and, trust me, the work never stops) to ask for and get want I wanted, even though it meant risking rejection by the man who gave me life. I knew what I could and couldn’t control, and was unattached to the outcome, for better or worse. Thank God it was for the better…it was beyond my wildest dreams! I get to tell my Pops how grateful I am for him anytime I want now, and we’ve developed a loving relationship that’s perhaps even more profound that it would have been if I’d grown up with him.
When I recently reread the letter to Oprah, I remembered that I’ve been creating the space to manifest the life of my dreams for 26 years. Also, I learned over the years through self-reflection, meditation, prayer, and lots of pain that I’m most happy when I minimize my expectations of other people, and I’m most at peace when I'm not attached to the outcome.
I am fond of the Thich Nhat Hanh quote: “You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” I do my best to practice this way of loving while at the same time, I do my best to love others in such a way that I feel free. Unconditional love is expansive, not restrictive – it’s without expectations and attachments to outcome. My Pops doesn’t owe me anything. I just appreciate his incredible zest for life. Well, like father, like daughter!
Comments